Tuesday, 10 March 2015

BANTS!: Spring Edition

Welcome to BANTS! The footballing column that really wants Dr Eva Carneiro to get them out for the lads.
Spring has sprung in the Premier League and it's as open as it has been in many a year, largely due to the majority of the sides being as terrible as one another. Much of the drama has come 'off the field', including tabloid darling 'Appy' Arry Redknapp throwing his toys out of the pram the day after deadline day having been denied his traditional January shopping spree, by QPR's long suffering owner. His dodgy knees got the blame for the resignation, but they have also made him a strong candidate for his own recruitment as a player as soon as he is back in the hot-seat.


Elsewhere, Nigel 'I can handle myself' Pearson has overtaken Alan 'Thug Life' Pardew as the most dangerous man in Premier League dug-outs. Not satisfied with sticking the head in, as Pards had done last season, Big Nige elected to lay some 'playful' choking on the prostrate James McArthur, who'd trespassed on the Guvnor's manor by slipping under the weight of a touch-line challenge. The Leicester Don was quick to assure a concerned public about the nature of the incident, and of his well-being, 'I'm more than capable of looking after myself, there's no doubt about that,' he informed a relieved nation.
"Don't make me cut you."
In other news, the bleeding proles are refusing to heed the stern reproaches of their betters, inspiring many a shrill Guardian opinion piece and BBC 'investigation'. A few short weeks ago, Chelsea's more primitive support embarrassed themselves on French public transport, giddy, perhaps, that it was both working and affordable, and seem likely to receive four year contracts...I mean, lifetime bans. Then, the chattering classes clutched their pearls and were all afaint as certain away fans sung about wanting to see the Chelsea physio's boobs.
Eva Carneiro
"Disturbing", warned the Metro of the footage; "horrific", shrieked Owen Gibson at the Guardian; "Awful", opined Martin Glenn at the International Business Times. Then, when on Saturday a well oiled proportion of Aston Villa's support made their way on the pitch at the conclusion of their FA Cup win over West Brom, BBC commentator Jonathan Pierce lamented- on live television- an event he seemed to consider one of the great tragedies of our time. All of which sowed the seeds for a litany of headlines concerning a "return to the Dark Ages".
Worse than Hitler
Yes, working class white men in numbers are a problem still yet to be entirely solved in football. Their refusal to sit silently and reverentially on their hands, as naughty little boys forced to endure a Sunday church service, is a crime that draws more coverage and outrage than ISIS. A gaggle of insular effete meeja finger-waggers believe their hyperbole will get these savages reading from the good book along with them. We wish them luck.

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